Creating a Connection and …

Welcome to the Coaching Connextion.

This is all about creating a coaching conversation to connect with you, my readers, I thought the name should reflect that. You will notice I have inserted next into the name. That is because I am curious, what is NEXT for you?

Are you on track with your goals? Do you know what is next for you? Are you leading your life or following?  

“We can’t rely on anyone but ourselves to define our existence, to shape the image of ourselves.”
                                                                                               — Spike Lee

How are you defining your existence? How are you shaping your image?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

CREATING NEW HABITS

How do you create new habits?

Do you say, “This time I’ll … (eat healthy, exercise, stop smoking, file before the pile falls over, whatever).” Then the disappointment comes that the new habit didn’t stick and actually become a habit. Wouldn’t you like a different way? A way that will actually work this time?

The hard part is the beginning of a new habit. This is especially true if you are changing a habit. It is so easy to fall back into old and familiar ways. (Specific help on that, at the bottom of the article.)

First of all, do not ever use these words: wish, want, try or hope. You aren’t wishing upon a star. You are changing a habit.

Let’s say you want to start eating healthier. You don’t try/wish/hope/want to not drive into fast food. You drive to a restaurant that serves healthier food that meets your goals (lower cholesterol, fewer calories, etc.). You are in control of the car. YOU drive to the restaurant that supports you healthy goals. Or not.

Have clear thoughts about the change and why you want it. Take a moment to boil the new habit down to one or two short sentences. Make it memorable for you. Why do you want to eat healthier? What is your true goal? What are the means that will get you to your goal? What will it mean to you when you reach your goal? How will the old habit hold you back?

Write down your thoughts into sentences. Using healthy eating as an example:
“I want to eat fewer calories and low fat to lose weight and try to get my cholesterol down by 30 points to not have heart problems. I have family that died of heart attacks and the doctor says that could be me. I hope to live long enough to see my daughter’s wedding. Maybe see the grandkids, too.”

This will not work. You are afraid and focusing on bad health. Plus you are “trying, hoping and wanting.” That is not committing to your new habit. Plus nobody wants to lose things, even 30 pounds of fat. If you ‘want’ something, it means you have a lack of it now. Another way to put it is, you can’t ‘lack’ to be thin. You can choose healthy food. You can choose to walk 30 minutes a day. You can be healthy. You can’t ‘try’ to lower your cholesterol, only the right food and exercise will do that. As Yoda said, “There is no try, only do.”

A clear focus on why you’re doing this is important too. You are doing this not to get to a number on the scale or in the test tube. You want to live a long life and not keel over with a heart attack. To reach that goal you want to be thinner so you don’t put such a strain on your heart and clog up your veins with cholesterol. Right now your health is so bad the doctor isn’t sure you’ll see your daughter’s wedding. Focus beyond the wedding and see yourself as healthy.

“I will eat healthy so that I become healthy. I will live a long time and have fun with my future grandkids.”

See the difference. Now you’re eating healthy and becoming healthy. No loss, only gain. No fear, only confidence. You’re exuding positivity. Why are you doing this? So that you will live a long time and have fun with the grandkids (after the wedding).

Everyday, repeat your sentences to yourself. On your way to lunch, repeat the sentences. Every time you do that, you reaffirm your commitment to becoming healthy.

If you are a visual person, post some pictures that represent a healthy and long life on your bathroom mirror. You’ll see your commitment every morning.

The second thing you need to do is forgive yourself. You got yourself into this situation. The sooner you forgive yourself, the fewer temptations you’ll have and slipping back you’ll do. You will get yourself out. I know you can do it. The sooner you know you can do it too, the easier it will be for you. This will only be hard if you make it hard.

Finally, here is a technique from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). Visualize yourself performing the bad habit. Next visualize yourself pushing aside the old habit you are choosing to change and performing the new habit. the Finally, end that sequence with an image of yourself in a highly positive state. See yourself eating high fat and calorie food, see yourself putting it down and finally visualize yourself running and breathing free. Do it a few times until you automatically go through the pattern before executing the old habit.

Bonus tips:

• Studies show takes about 19 times or 30 days for a habit to become, well, habitual. Commit to your new routine for 30 days.
• Consistency is critical if you want to make a habit stick. If you start exercising, go to the gym every day for your first thirty days you’re your plan is to hit the gym three times per week, it will take 30 weeks to make it habit.
• Be consistent with the time and location too. Hit the gym on the way to work every morning. Always walk at the same time.
• It took some time to get you here; it will take some time to get you where you want to be. Keep your new commitment simple and achievable. After some success, build on that with more changes.
• Find a friend to go along with you and keep you motivated and on track.
• Be good with your imperfect execution. Some of your attempts to change habits will be successful immediately. Some not so much. Expect a few bumps along the way.
• Say “But” when you start to think negative thoughts, use the word “but” to interrupt yourself. “I’m no good at this, BUT, if I work at it I will get better later.”
• Restructure your environment so you remove temptations.

Have fun with your new habit.

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

As I have been adapting to life alone again, I have realized I am a compendium of other people’s habits and preferences. I have started to ask my self “why?” as I do things to see if it’s my habit or someone else’s I picked up.

I ask why, to find out if I am doing things (not just what I’m doing but also, how I’m doing them) because I want to do them or if I’m just in the habit or it I’ve been taught to do them. In a way, I am applying a (non-scientific) study of the old question, “nature or nurture.”

As I have progressed and continue to go through not just the grief, but also learning (or is it reminding?) to live alone, life goes on around me. So I have to get up and go to work. I have to eat. I should clean house. I have to … well, you know all about the activities of daily living. It’s amazing how just the act of getting up to go to work as changed now that I’m alone. Actually, everything has changed.

Because I am seeing things differently, I am questioning how much of “me” is really me. How much of what I do is because of someone else in my life, past, present or future?

For example, I purchased something on the internet and the box it was shipped in is still sitting in the dining room. It’s been living with me for a week. It is patiently waiting to go in the recycle bin. As I moved it around yesterday, I was about to criticize myself for its existence and its perceived messiness. Instead, I caught myself and asked, “Why is it still here?” Truth be told, I had stopped noticing it. I originally asked myself if I had a use for it elsewhere. Nope, wrong size. But. It is still sitting in the dining room. Among the obvious ‘why’s, (why isn’t it the recycle bin) is also, “why does it matter?” I can easily provide the list of who it would matter to.

That got me thinking that some of the ‘why’s are based on others’ perceptions of what is a home. Going a bit larger, some of the ‘why’s are based on others’ perceptions of who (and how) I should be. A home is an easy concept. But, see, I’m all about possibility and what could be and how to make that happen. It is part of what makes me such a good coach. The box had possibility.

Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
One way to the heart of who I am is to take the MBTI and gain a sense of my personality or baseline. I took a free online version of the MBTI which only gives the letters and brief descriptions. (for the full report and counseling SueAnn is very good at http://activecoachingtechniques.com/contactus.htm) Depending upon my mood I type out as either an INTP or INTJ or INFP or INFJ. Introverted and intuitive stay steady.  But, sometimes I think and sometimes I feel. Sometimes I have structure and sometimes flexibility. How can that be? I have learned other people’s lessons very well.

No test or indicator is 100% true/foolproof/accurate. I have taken a bazillion of them looking for something concrete. Trust me, it doesn’t exist. Figuring out who I am is complicated by my life-long learning experiences. My question is a classic: “Am I this way because I learned it or is this just the way I am?”

So I sat down and thought who and how I was before I turned 11. I felt that my “true self” might be hiding in my past. For all of us, our adult learning begins to overlay our core personality. Then the blending of nature and nurture takes over. For some of us, this learning serves to strengthen what is already there, but for others it produces multiple aspects to personality. Thus, I can type-out four different ways. It doesn’t mean I’m Schizophrenic or confused, just complex. Like you.

Here are some of the words describing me back when dinosaurs roamed the earth:

daydreamer, head in the clouds, creative, imaginative, happy, talks too much, doesn’t pay attention in class, off working on her own, too smart for her own good, laughs a lot, in a hurry, always asking why, plays well with others, sweet, loner, shy, good friend, loyal, makes up and tells stories, too sensitive, loves to draw, and loves to help people.

Such a happy right-brained child. And my dad was a left-brained engineer. No wonder we had conflict! I was all over the map and dad was following a planned out route. Between dad and schooling, I had no chance. School taught me how to sit still for long periods of time and not be disruptive to others. Thank goodness I could daydream my way out of that restraint. My dad tried to make me into an engineer. He ran pop quizzes and drills on math and science. I found them fun and challenging, in an ‘exploring an alien culture’ sort of way. Guess what my first declared college major was. Yup, civil engineering.

Today, I take pleasure in a neat and organized home. I find it restful and calming. But, I can also live with a stray box in the dining room. Both are aspects of who I am today. My “go to” style is to stack things up until I can’t stand it anymore.

 Go back in time and figure out who you are today. Knowledge is power. The knowledge of how you have come become you, will give you power for today and your future. Because part of the knowledge is knowing where you need to compensate for your weaknesses. I know I need to plan out my day to get things done or it will disappear into dreaming, research and YouTube videos. That dreaming and research (even some of the YouTube videos) will be useful some day, but TODAY, I need to get something done.

 Do you know who you are and how you got here?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

PS: You can run a search for For a free MBTI, run a search or here is one for you to try http://www.humanmetrics.com/index.htm#intro for the interpretation and more info on the types, here are two reliable sources  http://typelogic.com/  and http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/overview_temperaments.asp

 

REINVENTION

Welcome to the newly renamed Coaching Connection.

This blog was formerly known as the Executive and Life Coaching blog. But what does that really tell you? Yep, not much. Since this is really a coaching conversation to connect with you, my readers, I thought the name should reflect that. So, I have reinvented my blog.

What do you think? Do you like the new name? Do you have a better name? If so, I’d love to hear what it is.

Reinventing Yourself

Would you like to reinvent yourself? What would you change? Where would you start? Changing the name of my blog got me thinking about reinventing myself. In a sense, I have embarked on that journey by learning to live without Bob. Where before I had someone to turn to, to ask for help, to just be with. Now I am having to learn to be self-sufficient, to find new resources for help, to just be with myself.

When you are with someone, you change and adapt to them in various ways. You compromise and share, give and take. After a while, their preferences can become yours. Or you just get used to their way or wishes on certain things. I no longer have any of that. On the plus side, no more heavy metal music! But suddenly, I have choices and need to make decisions. Some of this is liberating (see the music issue). Some is just plain confusing (shouldn’t the mechanic tell me what weight the oil should be?). Sometimes, I just get tired of having to make a choice. It can be a burden to have to think about all of it all the time.

This is also a time to create new habits, new ways of doing things. A time to do new things. A time of discovery. It is energizing and a little exciting. Life is an adventure and I’m charting some new territory.

I’ve lived alone before. So I know how to do it. It isn’t that. It is that I see this as a giant “do over” of my life. Now, do-over is a relative term here. Some things are just gone for good. The body ain’t what it used to be. And no matter how much I exercise, somethings aren’t coming back. But there is freedom in that too. I don’t know where the adventure will take me, but I know it will be interesting. And fun! I’m definitely ready for some fun.

Have you reinvented yourself? In part or in whole? What did you change and what couldn’t you change? Did you slip back into the old ways, or stay the new course? Any advice for me: pitfalls, traps, must see’s or essentials?

I’ll go back into the workplace next week.  As a former boss said, “If you can’t be a shining role model, be a horrible example.” I saw a horrible example of bad managership, that I must share.

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

WHAT IS PROFESSIONALISM?

I am a member of the Boomer generation. That means I have a lot of experiences (some good, some not so good and some downright bad). I have been taught some things and learned other things on my own. Then of course, things change. Usually the change happens right after you think you know something! It can be difficult to keep up or move with the times and make these adjustments.

BACK IN THE DAY

One of the things I was taught was “professionalism”. Back in the day, professionalism looked, sounded and acted a certain way. To be professional meant you were somewhat formal. You dressed in a suit. You wrote in a certain style. You did not disclose personal information other than some basics (attached/unattached, children, where you lived). Work and pleasure were strictly separate.

TODAY

Today that approach doesn’t work, at work or anywhere for that matter. A more informal approach is now modus operandi, or for you vets, SOP.

JOB SEARCHING

What that means to those looking for work, you need to let your personality come through in your application materials. Previously, you had a section at the top of your résumé that said Objective. Then you stated your objective to get the job advertised. Hiring managers are tired of reading that applicants want the job that is advertised. As Homer Simpson would say, “Doh!” This is too obvious and it’s a waste of reading time and valuable résumé real estate.

Today: Inject your personality into a summary of what you bring to the employer’s table. Today’s hiring managers want to know more than your skill set. They want to know, “Will this person fit in with the existing team? Will they thrive in this environment? Do they match the corporate culture?” One of the ways you can demonstrate on your résumé that you and your skills will fit in, is with your personality. So instead of just listing your core competencies, say something about whom you work best. Add in those details that make you, YOU.

“Effective communicator, using clear and concise business language to engage senior management.”

This says so much more than describing that you have business analysis skills and can translate that into technical requirements. Now, I also know that you do that well with upper management. Just what I need. Not another analyst who is more comfortable with their peers. And, most importantly, you told me that – no guessing.

You need to tell the whole story of who you are and what you will bring to the company. Connect your personality with your skills to showcase all of you. Don’t waste this opportunity with a one-size-fits-all statement that in reality, won’t fit any hiring manager.

One way to find really good adjectives for who you are in the workplace, is to ask the people. Ask your coworkers for three words that first come to mind about you. All those that repeat you have to own. At one point in my life, I thought I was an idealist, thinking about the big picture. I did this exercise and four people came back to me with “pragmatic.” That was because I can always find a way to get something done. I am the essence of can-do. For many people, that meant pragmatic, because if one approach didn’t work, I’d try another. So much for being an idealist!

So reveal all of you. It is more effective. It is also more authentic. Hiring managers are looking for complete packages, not just a set of skills. Show all of you. That is part of the new professionalism.

A dream with a plan is a goal. Goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

Executive And Life Coaching

Coaching from the Heart

2012 —THE BEST IS YET TO BE!

My theme for 2011 was, “Soaring to accomplishments.” I continued to focus on all the things that I am good at and continually improved them. Applying Kaizen to my life. I accomplished much. Since I always overload my To Do List, getting most of it done is great. I was on track. 2011 was looking good at just over halfway through in August.

One of my goals was to improve my coaching skills and networking with fellow coaches. At the beginning of August I signed up for the International Coaching Federation’s conference to be held in September (yes, I went). I love it when a plan falls into place.

Another of my goals was a whole house improvement plan. I kicked it off with painting the exterior of my house. The painters were wrapping up on August 19^th. They left at 2:00 p.m. I made some lunch and sat on the patio, enjoying my “new” house and the new color. I was reviewing my status, and feeling good about my “list” and my accomplishments. For some reason, I had taken the house phone with me.

Then the phone rang and the bottom fell out of my world.

It was the sheriff calling at 2:15 and asking if I knew a man named Bob. I began to cry. My close friend Bob had committed suicide.

Really, what do you do with that?

The next several days were … difficult. Family and friends have been there for me in tangible ways. Somehow knowing just when to call or take me out to dinner. The people at work have been uniformly wonderful and supportive. This has been part of the silver lining to this tragic cloud.

There is a saying, “When one door closes, another door opens.” The door to Bob has closed. The door to his daughter has opened wide and wonderfully.

If not for her, her boyfriend and their friend, I would not be in the relatively good shape that I am today. They took me into their hearts. Grieving with her and having someone to walk down this path with, has been immeasurable. They came over for dinner a few days ago. It was a wonderful evening of laughter and camaraderie. They are an integral part of my family now.

Daughter and I are seeing therapists and have joined a support group. We are effectively dealing with the ramifications of suicide. This is a process; a journey. A journey shared.

NO REGRETS

As you readers know, I can be my harshest critic. I am never satisfied with myself. I have had a foreboding that Bob may try suicide since July of 2010. Because of that, I tried to be supportive and helpful. I lived by a “no regrets” tenet, should my worst fear come true. Because of that, I am not suffering from my internal critic. She has been silent. I have the occasional “what if,” but that is in the normal range.

I am really looking forward to 2012. It will be better than 2011. The best is yet to be.

How about for you? What are you looking forward to most in 2012?

Cheers to your best year yet!

Elisabeth

E-mail: eal@EALCoaching.com

A WORKPLACE MISSION STATEMENT

I find people fascinating. I am always curious as to what motivates people. What gets them going in the morning? I get really curious about those people that don’t have a passion about what they are doing.

If you are somewhere in the middle, not quite a passion-filled dynamo and not quite slogging through the day, this is for you. Today we are going to write a mission statement for work.

“What’s the point?” you ask. The point is to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. In this process, you might find a little bit of passion. You also might also find you’ve invested more time at work than it is worth to you and find balance to your life. We get so busy doing stuff, we forget to stop and think about the why of what we are doing. It is the “why” that gives meaning to what we do.

I had a client once who told me, “It doesn’t matter what I do, so long as I make lots of money.” He went on to say that his family and providing for them is what motivated him. He has a work-mission statement.

Provide material prosperity for my family through any job that pays enough.

Most of us need a motivator that will get us through the 8-9 hours a day we spend at the work-site. I also believe that if we must spend 8-9 hours at a work-site and away from those that mean the most to us, we should (mostly) enjoy that time. We should get some sense of satisfaction for a job well done.

What not to do. DO NOT go to the company mission statement. They are written by committees and/or consultants and are too high level. They could be for anyone or anything. Here are some examples:

1. We are ready in advance.
2. Profitable growth through superior customer service, innovation, quality and commitment.
3. Be the best in the eyes of our customers, employees and shareholders.
4. We are a global family with a proud heritage passionately committed to providing personal mobility for people around the world.
5. Undisputed Marketplace Leadership
6. Operating a safe and secure government.

Can you tell which one is the chocolate company (5-Hershey’s), which an auto builder (4-Ford), the business company (6-IBM), the auto parts company (1-Advance Auto Parts), the agricultural supplier (2-AGCO), or the plumbing supplier (3-American Standard Co.)? Looking at Hershey’s for a minute; where is quality chocolate in Hershey’s statement? As a consumer, that is where my interest lies. I think Hershey confused a business goal with their mission statement. This is NOT what we are going for today.

Answer a child. Today, provide answers a child would understand. If you build cars, why do you build cars? You don’t do that for “personal mobility,” but so people can get to their jobs and get home again safely. I want you to get above your job and see it clearly, but not so high as to lose sight of what you actually do. Get on a ladder to look at your job; don’t fly away on a helicopter.

First, just think about what you do. Not the job title or the duties, think about what you actually do during the course of a day or a week. Think about what your company, your division and your unit does. Here are some questions to help you sort it all out.

• What do I do?
• For whom do I do it?
• What is the benefit?
• What am I proud of doing?
• What am I indifferent about?
• Do I feel connected to the Company’s final product?

If your company builds a “something,” it can be easier to find how you connect to that “something.” If your company provides something less tangible, a service for example, it can be harder to connect to the final product. As a part-time internal coach at a university, “I facilitate (ease, smooth, simplify, enable, assist) the jobs of managers and supervisors in dealing with employees.” I tie that into the company product of higher education by “enabling a smoothly run department to easily fulfill its business goals” (its part of the university’s mission). I could go all Microsoft and say, “… we work to help people and businesses throughout the world realize their full potential. This is our mission. Everything we do reflects this mission and the values that make it possible.” I do help managers and supervisors realize their full potential, but that is so high up, you can’t connect the dots. You want to connect the dots. Then a ten-year old will understand and so will you. At the end of a hard day, that can be priceless.

Now it is your turn. What do YOU do and WHY do you do it?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

eal@ealcoaching.com