Creating a Connection and …

Welcome to the Coaching Connextion.

This is all about creating a coaching conversation to connect with you, my readers, I thought the name should reflect that. You will notice I have inserted next into the name. That is because I am curious, what is NEXT for you?

Are you on track with your goals? Do you know what is next for you? Are you leading your life or following?  

“We can’t rely on anyone but ourselves to define our existence, to shape the image of ourselves.”
                                                                                               — Spike Lee

How are you defining your existence? How are you shaping your image?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

CREATING NEW HABITS

How do you create new habits?

Do you say, “This time I’ll … (eat healthy, exercise, stop smoking, file before the pile falls over, whatever).” Then the disappointment comes that the new habit didn’t stick and actually become a habit. Wouldn’t you like a different way? A way that will actually work this time?

The hard part is the beginning of a new habit. This is especially true if you are changing a habit. It is so easy to fall back into old and familiar ways. (Specific help on that, at the bottom of the article.)

First of all, do not ever use these words: wish, want, try or hope. You aren’t wishing upon a star. You are changing a habit.

Let’s say you want to start eating healthier. You don’t try/wish/hope/want to not drive into fast food. You drive to a restaurant that serves healthier food that meets your goals (lower cholesterol, fewer calories, etc.). You are in control of the car. YOU drive to the restaurant that supports you healthy goals. Or not.

Have clear thoughts about the change and why you want it. Take a moment to boil the new habit down to one or two short sentences. Make it memorable for you. Why do you want to eat healthier? What is your true goal? What are the means that will get you to your goal? What will it mean to you when you reach your goal? How will the old habit hold you back?

Write down your thoughts into sentences. Using healthy eating as an example:
“I want to eat fewer calories and low fat to lose weight and try to get my cholesterol down by 30 points to not have heart problems. I have family that died of heart attacks and the doctor says that could be me. I hope to live long enough to see my daughter’s wedding. Maybe see the grandkids, too.”

This will not work. You are afraid and focusing on bad health. Plus you are “trying, hoping and wanting.” That is not committing to your new habit. Plus nobody wants to lose things, even 30 pounds of fat. If you ‘want’ something, it means you have a lack of it now. Another way to put it is, you can’t ‘lack’ to be thin. You can choose healthy food. You can choose to walk 30 minutes a day. You can be healthy. You can’t ‘try’ to lower your cholesterol, only the right food and exercise will do that. As Yoda said, “There is no try, only do.”

A clear focus on why you’re doing this is important too. You are doing this not to get to a number on the scale or in the test tube. You want to live a long life and not keel over with a heart attack. To reach that goal you want to be thinner so you don’t put such a strain on your heart and clog up your veins with cholesterol. Right now your health is so bad the doctor isn’t sure you’ll see your daughter’s wedding. Focus beyond the wedding and see yourself as healthy.

“I will eat healthy so that I become healthy. I will live a long time and have fun with my future grandkids.”

See the difference. Now you’re eating healthy and becoming healthy. No loss, only gain. No fear, only confidence. You’re exuding positivity. Why are you doing this? So that you will live a long time and have fun with the grandkids (after the wedding).

Everyday, repeat your sentences to yourself. On your way to lunch, repeat the sentences. Every time you do that, you reaffirm your commitment to becoming healthy.

If you are a visual person, post some pictures that represent a healthy and long life on your bathroom mirror. You’ll see your commitment every morning.

The second thing you need to do is forgive yourself. You got yourself into this situation. The sooner you forgive yourself, the fewer temptations you’ll have and slipping back you’ll do. You will get yourself out. I know you can do it. The sooner you know you can do it too, the easier it will be for you. This will only be hard if you make it hard.

Finally, here is a technique from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). Visualize yourself performing the bad habit. Next visualize yourself pushing aside the old habit you are choosing to change and performing the new habit. the Finally, end that sequence with an image of yourself in a highly positive state. See yourself eating high fat and calorie food, see yourself putting it down and finally visualize yourself running and breathing free. Do it a few times until you automatically go through the pattern before executing the old habit.

Bonus tips:

• Studies show takes about 19 times or 30 days for a habit to become, well, habitual. Commit to your new routine for 30 days.
• Consistency is critical if you want to make a habit stick. If you start exercising, go to the gym every day for your first thirty days you’re your plan is to hit the gym three times per week, it will take 30 weeks to make it habit.
• Be consistent with the time and location too. Hit the gym on the way to work every morning. Always walk at the same time.
• It took some time to get you here; it will take some time to get you where you want to be. Keep your new commitment simple and achievable. After some success, build on that with more changes.
• Find a friend to go along with you and keep you motivated and on track.
• Be good with your imperfect execution. Some of your attempts to change habits will be successful immediately. Some not so much. Expect a few bumps along the way.
• Say “But” when you start to think negative thoughts, use the word “but” to interrupt yourself. “I’m no good at this, BUT, if I work at it I will get better later.”
• Restructure your environment so you remove temptations.

Have fun with your new habit.

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

As I have been adapting to life alone again, I have realized I am a compendium of other people’s habits and preferences. I have started to ask my self “why?” as I do things to see if it’s my habit or someone else’s I picked up.

I ask why, to find out if I am doing things (not just what I’m doing but also, how I’m doing them) because I want to do them or if I’m just in the habit or it I’ve been taught to do them. In a way, I am applying a (non-scientific) study of the old question, “nature or nurture.”

As I have progressed and continue to go through not just the grief, but also learning (or is it reminding?) to live alone, life goes on around me. So I have to get up and go to work. I have to eat. I should clean house. I have to … well, you know all about the activities of daily living. It’s amazing how just the act of getting up to go to work as changed now that I’m alone. Actually, everything has changed.

Because I am seeing things differently, I am questioning how much of “me” is really me. How much of what I do is because of someone else in my life, past, present or future?

For example, I purchased something on the internet and the box it was shipped in is still sitting in the dining room. It’s been living with me for a week. It is patiently waiting to go in the recycle bin. As I moved it around yesterday, I was about to criticize myself for its existence and its perceived messiness. Instead, I caught myself and asked, “Why is it still here?” Truth be told, I had stopped noticing it. I originally asked myself if I had a use for it elsewhere. Nope, wrong size. But. It is still sitting in the dining room. Among the obvious ‘why’s, (why isn’t it the recycle bin) is also, “why does it matter?” I can easily provide the list of who it would matter to.

That got me thinking that some of the ‘why’s are based on others’ perceptions of what is a home. Going a bit larger, some of the ‘why’s are based on others’ perceptions of who (and how) I should be. A home is an easy concept. But, see, I’m all about possibility and what could be and how to make that happen. It is part of what makes me such a good coach. The box had possibility.

Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
One way to the heart of who I am is to take the MBTI and gain a sense of my personality or baseline. I took a free online version of the MBTI which only gives the letters and brief descriptions. (for the full report and counseling SueAnn is very good at http://activecoachingtechniques.com/contactus.htm) Depending upon my mood I type out as either an INTP or INTJ or INFP or INFJ. Introverted and intuitive stay steady.  But, sometimes I think and sometimes I feel. Sometimes I have structure and sometimes flexibility. How can that be? I have learned other people’s lessons very well.

No test or indicator is 100% true/foolproof/accurate. I have taken a bazillion of them looking for something concrete. Trust me, it doesn’t exist. Figuring out who I am is complicated by my life-long learning experiences. My question is a classic: “Am I this way because I learned it or is this just the way I am?”

So I sat down and thought who and how I was before I turned 11. I felt that my “true self” might be hiding in my past. For all of us, our adult learning begins to overlay our core personality. Then the blending of nature and nurture takes over. For some of us, this learning serves to strengthen what is already there, but for others it produces multiple aspects to personality. Thus, I can type-out four different ways. It doesn’t mean I’m Schizophrenic or confused, just complex. Like you.

Here are some of the words describing me back when dinosaurs roamed the earth:

daydreamer, head in the clouds, creative, imaginative, happy, talks too much, doesn’t pay attention in class, off working on her own, too smart for her own good, laughs a lot, in a hurry, always asking why, plays well with others, sweet, loner, shy, good friend, loyal, makes up and tells stories, too sensitive, loves to draw, and loves to help people.

Such a happy right-brained child. And my dad was a left-brained engineer. No wonder we had conflict! I was all over the map and dad was following a planned out route. Between dad and schooling, I had no chance. School taught me how to sit still for long periods of time and not be disruptive to others. Thank goodness I could daydream my way out of that restraint. My dad tried to make me into an engineer. He ran pop quizzes and drills on math and science. I found them fun and challenging, in an ‘exploring an alien culture’ sort of way. Guess what my first declared college major was. Yup, civil engineering.

Today, I take pleasure in a neat and organized home. I find it restful and calming. But, I can also live with a stray box in the dining room. Both are aspects of who I am today. My “go to” style is to stack things up until I can’t stand it anymore.

 Go back in time and figure out who you are today. Knowledge is power. The knowledge of how you have come become you, will give you power for today and your future. Because part of the knowledge is knowing where you need to compensate for your weaknesses. I know I need to plan out my day to get things done or it will disappear into dreaming, research and YouTube videos. That dreaming and research (even some of the YouTube videos) will be useful some day, but TODAY, I need to get something done.

 Do you know who you are and how you got here?

A dream with a plan is a goal. A goal without a plan is just a dream.

Elisabeth

PS: You can run a search for For a free MBTI, run a search or here is one for you to try http://www.humanmetrics.com/index.htm#intro for the interpretation and more info on the types, here are two reliable sources  http://typelogic.com/  and http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/overview_temperaments.asp